We are programed to protect ourselves. So when someone says or does something we’re not sure we understand, we immediately start running through the possibilities. We quickly draw a conclusion about what they meant so we know how to react. Communication being what it is, we are naturally doing this constantly all day long every day without realizing it, except maybe if someone offers us some food. Which probably just means 'would you like some food?' Of course it could mean 'you look too thin', or 'I’d like it I you were fatter than I am', or 'please eat this chocolate with me so I won’t feel guilty about it'. 

We naturally have varying degrees of trust levels with everyone we know, and with people we don’t know, we unconsciously assess as quickly as possible how much we can trust them and for what. We do this to stay safe; it’s an instinct as old as humankind, or perhaps the entire animal kingdom. In humans the famous fight or flight instinct is rooted in the amygdala, a set of neurons in the brain associated with both fear and pleasure, responsible for the processing and memory of emotional reactions. It enables past experiences to influence our reactions in the present, since we base our current impressions of what is happening on emotional memories.

The problem is that this often causes automatic responses based on false assumptions about another person’s intentions. At work perhaps the most common and powerful negative reactions come from a perceived threat to your status - someone questioning your judgment, a colleague who doesn’t seem to like you, your boss giving you the evil eye. Without more information or direct communication with the other person, over time you can build up a very strong case for your initial negative assumption about their motives. She’s trying to spoil my reputation, he wants me fired, she wants my job….. Which of course will not be invisible to them, and in turn will cause them to make negative assumptions about your intentions.

Often these situations can be remedied by a frank person-to-person talk exploring motives. Most of the time whatever is going on has all to do with them and very little to do with you. I would like to suggest a practice to help counteract some of this fear and paranoia that we all experience at times. First assume the best. Put it on a sticky note on your computer where you have to see it all the time. Stop and think what might be going on with the other person or their situation that has nothing to do with you. See if that helps when you do it repeatedly. If not, then maybe it’s time for that talk.